The truth is that I haven’t been able to make music properly for at least 2 years, due to poor health condition, which prevented me from doing anything I loved. I stopped listening to music, I stopped creating music, I stopped dressing up in lolita clothing, I stopped enjoying fashion, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped enjoying anything. The only thing that pleased me was travel, animals and food. It’s still like that, but I feel a little better.
Some people asked what my health problem is..well…I’m an honest person, so I’ll admit it. I’m fighting with a pretty tough case of adrenal fatigue and multifaceted hormonal problems, caused by a lifetime of exposure to extreme stress and trauma and all the devastation this can cause to someone, even a strong character like me. I always think of myself as a “rock”, personality-wise and people often find me too strict, and too harsh with my words. People always come to me for advice, rely on me, and depend on me even, for balance, stability, motivation, and courage. But apparently, anything can be destroyed methodically and I’m an excellent case study for that, apparently.
I’m sure I’m gonna come out of this at some point, but I’m not sure I’m gonna forgive myself for all the time I’ve lost or for letting petty people make me feel the way I do. Losing time is losing everything. Time is everything. Time flies and the world goes on, with or without you. How scary is THAT? And I know I might have let some of you down in the process because you were expecting new material sooner, because musicians are music-producing machines, right?
Wrong. Musicians are actual people with problems like yours, questions like yours, real-life jobs like yours, and misfortunes like yours. The difference is that we use music as a means of expression, a means of protest, a means to an end, a statement.
And at the end of the day, I lost all that, I lost the meaning of everything, I lost the desire to say anything to anyone. I pushed myself to keep active on social media, although I felt like giving up. I felt comfort in my own company (I always do) and that was enough. Thanks to all of you, however, I kept being reminded that there are people out there still, who are expecting things from me, who are waiting for what I’m about to say or do, to get through the day, to deal with their own problems with a little indirect help from me.
So I gathered all my energy and together with my friend Ilya from Fatal FE and the ever-precious contribution of Zombie Sam, we created “SURREAL”. It’s a song about an imaginary (spiritual?) experience, in a super lightweight form, utilising various electronic sounds, so it might not sound “rock” enough to most, but it’s still worth a try in my opinion!
Here it is, with a little tiny footage of me in the background!
Best of all? The song is completely free and you can find it in the download section!
Enjoy and take care of yourselves, inside and out <3